When a couple comes in immediately after an affair has come to light, the anger and shame can make this feel like a vulnerable and delicate time for each person. Overcoming an affair is difficult and challenging, and I ask each person to really work through what has taken place that led to such a dramatic exit out of the relationship. I ask the couple to commit to a period of working through the affair, and then after the work is done (about 2 months) to put a bracket on the topic and put it away forever; much like the image of moving to a new home, and, as they pack, they choose to put everything related to the affair into one box which gets left behind. This is important because neither will want to stay in the relationship if the affair is held over their heads for the rest of their lives. My experience working with couples suggests that it is usually more beneficial to stay together and to work through what occurred, especially if there are children involved.

The process of healing after an affair requires the rebuilding of the relationship, by first uncovering the dynamic between them that led to disconnection and to exits. I offer the visual image that there is a bridge between two people that connects them in a relationship, and an affair is one thing that destroys planks in the bridge. For example, I worked recently with a heterosexual couple, where the man had had repeated sexual liaisons with other women, unbeknownst to the woman. When there are planks in the bridge that have been torn out, the work requires having the man (in this case) take stock of what occurred inside him that led to such drastic exits, and for the woman (in this case) to bring all of her feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal directly to him to be fully heard and validated.

Often having strong feelings that were not acknowledged or addressed by either one can lead to feelings of detachment or to actions that create exits from the relationship. In this case, the man became aware of how his feelings of anger and hurt throughout the relationship – which he had not faced internally, nor faced directly with her – led him to act out this anger through sexual relationships with others. Each couple is different, but in this case, the crisis of the affair was fully resolved and put behind them in a few months because their understandings of their dynamic and themselves deepened, as did their connection and commitment to each other.

I utilize Imago Relationship Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in working with affairs. Imago is a theory and method of relationships and self in relation to other, which offers some simple yet powerful tools like the mirroring dialogue. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is an attachment-theory based couples therapy which slows the work down to helping to capture and elevate the moments of emotion between people – helping people to see and experience the impact they have on one another; moments of both distance and of connection.

The interventions I use help love flow between people; to help nurture the kindness and love between them that simply needed help to get freed and expressed.

A core part of the transformation work I do is the act of noticing and labeling the unhealthy, unkind voice, and choosing to turn against the unkind voice. “Is that a kind or unkind way of treating myself?” “Does that thought help me or hurt me?”

These questions start to raise consciousness to see that inner dialogue as unhealthy. I often offer imagery to these clients; and suggest seeing the unkind, unhealthy voice as being like a vine that wraps around a tree, strangling the tree; or as a being like a little mean demon whispering quite cruel things into one’s ear, because, ultimately, this unkind inner critic is not a natural, inherent, nor authentic part of anyone’s ego, and differentiating oneSELF from “it” is enormously helpful.

Another key component in the process of transformation is experiencing what happens internally when receiving positive therapeutic caring and attention. Our brains are hard-wired to attach and connect (attachment is the greatest need in our brains, even above food — as the studies done with chimpanzees show — because a safe attachment was necessary for survival). In the process of a positive attachment being received through one’s eyes (an attuned caring gaze) in a complex therapeutic intervention, new neural connections are made. Simply put, its literally incompatible to maintain a feeling of self-condemnation in the midst of experiencing connection and caring. When I’m working with couples, I always emphasize this connected eye gaze, and the nonverbal messages of caring which each person in a couple can work to give and receive in the process of deepening their attachment and connection.

I’ve been working with a man recently who had been stifled by a harsh inner critic for decades. He was able to take in our work of cognitive mindfulness – meaning, he began to see and label the unkind voice that had had control over him and he began to feel angry at how he had treated himself for so many years. The rapid progress of our work indicated that the self-attack was not ego-syntonic and could be removed. As we worked in our fourth session, he felt excitement and enthusiasm about tackling, labeling and rejecting the unkind thoughts. When I asked how he felt in his body, however, it wasn’t so good. He still held tension and anxiety in his core and gut and his chest felt constricted. So, I turned to the use of somatic imagery. As he closed his eyes and focused his attention inward on his body he felt like he was trapped wet concrete like quicksand. With the use of somatic imagery, we worked with him to visualize this man trapped in quicksand, and to help him. What did he need to get free? Who could he bring in, from any time or place, to help free this man? He identified his family and his elementary school friends, and was able, through this imagery method, to picture all of them surrounding him and helping pull him out. As the imagery work unfolded he then pictured that the concrete hard hardened and thus difficult to get free of, and we worked with the image until he could picture his parents, brothers and elementary school friends chipping away at the concrete until he could stand and emerge. It was a powerful and transformative experience for him. Afterwards, he felt freedom in his body and, for the first time, physically relieved of the trapped, old, bad feelings he had carried for so long. While there is more work to do, the experience of somatic imagery work played a big part in the process of transformation and freeing the soul.