How does one exit a relationship? Exits can start simply, such as staying late at work rather than coming home, or focusing all of one’s energy on the children, or exits can be drastic like an affair. In the case of an affair, does the door always close, or is there a way for a couple to return to a happier, earlier and safe place in their relationship?
When a couple comes in immediately after an affair has come to light, the anger and shame can make this feel like a vulnerable and delicate time for each person. Overcoming an affair is difficult and challenging, and I ask each person to really work through what has taken place that led to such a dramatic exit out of the relationship. I ask the couple to commit to a period of working through the affair, and then after the work is done (about 2 months) to put a bracket on the topic and put it away forever; much like the image of moving to a new home, and, as they pack, they choose to put everything related to the affair into one box which gets left behind. This is important because neither will want to stay in the relationship if the affair is held over their heads for the rest of their lives. My experience working with couples suggests that it is usually more beneficial to stay together and to work through what occurred, especially if there are children involved.
The process of healing after an affair requires the rebuilding of the relationship, by first uncovering the dynamic between them that led to disconnection and to exits. I offer the visual image that there is a bridge between two people that connects them in a relationship, and an affair is one thing that destroys planks in the bridge. For example, I worked recently with a heterosexual couple, where the man had had repeated sexual liaisons with other women, unbeknownst to the woman. When there are planks in the bridge that have been torn out, the work requires having the man (in this case) take stock of what occurred inside him that led to such drastic exits, and for the woman (in this case) to bring all of her feelings of hurt, anger, and betrayal directly to him to be fully heard and validated.
Often having strong feelings that were not acknowledged or addressed by either one can lead to feelings of detachment or to actions that create exits from the relationship. In this case, the man became aware of how his feelings of anger and hurt throughout the relationship – which he had not faced internally, nor faced directly with her – led him to act out this anger through sexual relationships with others. Each couple is different, but in this case, the crisis of the affair was fully resolved and put behind them in a few months because their understandings of their dynamic and themselves deepened, as did their connection and commitment to each other.
I utilize Imago Relationship Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in working with affairs. Imago is a theory and method of relationships and self in relation to other, which offers some simple yet powerful tools like the mirroring dialogue. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is an attachment-theory based couples therapy which slows the work down to helping to capture and elevate the moments of emotion between people – helping people to see and experience the impact they have on one another; moments of both distance and of connection.
The interventions I use help love flow between people; to help nurture the kindness and love between them that simply needed help to get freed and expressed.
